well last night finally prooved to me that i should still hold on. thanx holli. and what was great is the fact that i can finally not feel guilty anymore for doing anything. i just hope that i haven't raised my up for nothing. because then i would really be down. so right now im at a constant worry, that i'll screw something up. because basically i wonna be happy again. and im glad that there still a few people out there that care for me and still want to help me

Ok by now everyone should know that I've been in a relationship for a long time. About a year and 10 months well here is the entire story for what I can remember. It start out like this. I went to Gatlinburg, TN for a church group camp you could almost say. And I just got out of my year and 6 months relationship about 4 months before going. I almost didn't even go. I felt like it would be waste and that I would hate the negative remarks my youth pastor would always say to me. Not to mention everyone always complains about how I snore so loud. But anyways, I didn't go there to worship God, but thank God I did when I got there because he really did touch me when I went. But that was one of the best trips I had ever been on. Originally I felt alone because the entire ride up there I really didn't have anyone to talk to. But as I was there I started meeting everyone and finding out secrets that made me very happy. I mean before I went up there I knew things between me and Lorena were going to stop and besides she wasn't my type. So when I was up there, I first saw Olivia and her friends. I do not remember who all was with her but I know I must have done something. Because they all remember my face and what I did. So later that day I found Bri and her cousin. And I suppose I just want to be a flirt and mess around which I never got my chance to. But I did try to kiss her while we were there and what had stopped her was her cousin saying she had a boyfriend. But later on I found Olivia and her friends at a laser tag center, and so I guess we traded myspaces or aim screennames and we went our ways. But I found out later that Bri's cousin had a crush on me and so did Bri. So I decided that I play her cousin in order to get to her, until she dumped her bf. So about a week goes by and Olivia and I hit it off. We basically start talking everyday. And I will admit I was happy. I had someone to talk to, that made me smile, made me feel important. And it went on like that. But my selfish self wanted someone physical. So I started seeing Bri. And I eventually got her to dump her bf and started seeing movies with her. And poor Olivia I felt so bad because she wanted to be with me so bad and I pushed her aside like she ment nothing to me. Which I am so stupid for doing. So about 6 months go by and I finally decide to ask Bri out. Well I remember what happened. It was in June me and my dad finally bought the boat we had been looking for. And it was our first time taking it out. So I decided to bring her along. And when we stopped to have a break on the island while my parents and sister were exploring I sat in the boat with her beside me and I say. You are my dream girl. The one that I have always dreamed about. You are so beautiful. You're face is so perfect, with a right complection. You golden blonde hair gleems like the sun. And your eyes sparkle like the stars. And you body is perfect and there is not one thing I would say that's wrong with it. You personality is so perfect you care and you love. And after all this time I want to tell you I love you, and would you please go out with me. And of course she said yes. Now we ran into our first problem. She had trips to go to Mexico and Spain and I didn't so I was basically stuck without seeing her for a whole month. But we did it. And that's when everyone started to find out about Olivia, and to this day I wish I had taken the pain for everything I did. I'm sorry if you ever read this. But as our relationship moved on we ran into problems. I would say within 2 months. I got jealous and I hit a depressional stage in my life and the only way I felt like it could be fulled is if I was to drag her down to my level. And I tried. But she was too free willed on her things. She started to but I suppose her mother talked her out of it. And to this day I will still stand saying she loves her swimming, herself, and her friends more than me.  But then more problems arose. Her mother started to dislike me because her guy friends would not back off and I had to take care of it. Then her cousin hated the both of us and tried to tear us apart. And it became a list of never ending problems. Often we would get in fights where she would demand I would leave her, or she would punch me to leave her alone. Just all to get what she wanted. She would never recognize any of my needs and wants. I always followed what she wanted to do. And I did it all because I love her. I was saying I put myself in this relationship and I'm going to make it work no matter what. That was how much I loved her. Even if it ment for me to be miserable everyday to make her happy. No matter what it took. Then the divorce comes around and all she did was take her anger out on me. Everyday she would yell at me, tell me how I didn't mean anything and how worthless I ment to her. But everyday I drove to her house to see her and try what I could to make her happy. And eventually she calmed and and we moved on. There was this one time she got so angry she walked out of the car for a mile to get away from me. But I walked it with her. Crying the whole way there trying get her back. I even say at her front porch til 5 in the morning hoping she would come out to see me. I don't know whether that was the right thing or the wrong thing, but it was what my heart told me to do. Months roll on by and now we get to the big break up which took us a whole month to get back together. We got in an arguement over her going on another trip. And I had lost my temper. So I broke her window and door out of anger. I was so angry I could not control myself. So we break up for a month but I did everything and I mean everything to get her back. And I did. I got her back. And things were great while they lasted. But by this time I had grown so depressed, I did not know what happiness felt like. And I tried to put everything into this relationship. I was going to buy her a car because her family can't even afford her one. But no last week I take her to see her friends and she kicks me out of a conversation so I get mad and ignore her to cool down. But she didn't even decide to call me she. Texts me to break up and tells me she cheated on me and that she wants another person. Now I'm not sad, or crying about it. I'm just depressed and disappointed. Because I put my heart into something and this is all I get. After all the love, work, help, money I gave and I get stamped with a big fuck you on my forehead. And to be quite honest I have never felt so depressed in my life. And not to mention when my life is falling down. This birthday of mine coming up, is going to be even more depressing the time my parents got me nothing and did nothing. And no one even celebrated my birthday. Because here I am now alone, scared, and lost. With honeslty no where to run. I'm trying to get God to help because I feel like he's calling me out into the desert. But I haven't had any response but with my stuff getting stolen. So again I guess this is what i deserve.